Are You Victorian?

Silly question, right? It's not as silly as you may think. It's common knowledge that the Victorian era was known for it's prudishness. From the clothes to the way they spoke, everything was modest, conservative, prudish. It has taken us a long time to come this far. Yet, in many ways, we cling to the ideals of that time. Don't believe me? Get a load of these examples!

In those times, it was felt that women were innocent and were morally superior. While it was felt that men should not waste their semen by engaging in too much sexual activity, it was understood that men were weak and would invariably fail. Thus, it was left to women to be the final "gatekeeper." It was ultimately the woman's responsibility to decide how much sex would go on and what that sex would involve.

It was in this society that the "social norms" of today were developed. At that time, it was a natural progression that men became more dominant and it became the woman's job to provide for her family spiritually. She was also responsible for caring for the home and the children.

The similarities don't end there. There are more than we have time for here. But it's fascinating to realize that for all the progress we've made, some things still haven't changed.

Terms and Conditions

Here's an interesting exercise. See how many words you can come up with for the following terms:

Vagina
Clitoris
Penis
Testicles
Pubic Hair
Female Breasts
Sexual Intercourse
Masturbation
Oral Sex
Anal Sex
Orgasm
Menstruation

You will likely be surprised by how many (or how few) names you can come up with. Do post what you come up with!!

A Different Culture

Imagine a culture where sex is everywhere. Where sex is normal. It's enjoyed. Families of 5 to 15 people sleep in one room, and any number of them can be having sex. Sex in public is expected. Virginity is disdained. Women are encouraged to sleep with many different men to find someone who they are compatible with sexually. It is felt that affection will follow sexual compatibility.

This culture is that on Mangaia, the southernmost of the Cook Islands. None of us here can imagine a culture that is so open and free sexually - I know that I can't!! One of the things I find most interesting is that everyone is instructed in sex once they hit puberty. Males are taught how to bring pleasure to women and to bring them to several orgasms before they reach their own climax. Women are taught how to enjoy sex and be an active participant in sex. They are taught that an orgasm is not the goal. Perhaps because of this, they seem to reach orgasm easily.

There was a study of the people there done in the 1950s. Things may have changed a lot since then. But the study certainly left an impression on me!

When Good Sex Goes Bad

Does good sex go bad? How is that possible? Anybody who has been in a long-term, monogamous relationship will tell you that at some point they had sex issues with their partner. When you have sex with the same person over an extended period of time, lots of things are bound to happen. You will be embarrassed. You will feel totally nasty when the other person is in the mood. You will want to try things that your partner does not, and vice versa. Girls, you will see your man's porn collection, realize that it is massive, and be slightly shocked and dismayed. You will realize that you're "in the mood" times don't match up. You will feel like you're in a rut, having the same kind of sex ALL the time. So what's wrong with your relationship? Nothing at all.

Any time you spend an extended period of time with one person, you will get to know all of that person's good and bad points intimately. The same goes for sex. I personally have had my fair share of sex bloopers, as have we all. There's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with being totally embarrassed, even though you normally feel extremely comfortable with the person you are having sex with. The best part? You can both laugh. Realize that it was funny. Be ready to laugh at yourself, fix the problem, and then get back to it!!

Sometimes with busy schedules it's hard to be in the mood at the same time as your partner. My husband and I have this problem all the time. Our solution? Talking. We talk to each other about how we feel, when we may want to have sex, and what we need to be able to have sex then. For instance, it's common for me to tell my husband, "I really want to have sex tonight, but I feel icky. Let me shower and then we can do it whenever you want." That way there are no mixed signals.

Feel like you're in a rut? Are you doing the same sex moves every time? On the one hand, you're both getting yours because you've clearly figured out this is what works for you. On the other hand, you know what's going to happen. Again, communicate. Don't tell your partner that they're boring you. Look up a cool new sex position that you'd like to try. Let you're partner know that you saw this cool thing in Cosmo (or in a porn maybe) and that you'd love to try it. Then try it. There's nothing wrong with trying new things. Just make sure you continue to incorporate some of the "old" things too.

I can't emphasize enough how important communication is, not only for your relationship, but for your sex life as well. You have to be open and honest. Don't be afraid to tell your partner that you want to try something new. At the same time, be open to their ideas. I mean, hey, that's how we're having threesomes. ;-)